Things People Say to Large Families
1. What are you, Mormon, catholic?
(I'm prolific.)
(I'm prolific.)2. You know what causes that, don't you? (Yeah, want a demonstration?)
(Yeah, want a demonstration?)3. Are these all yours? (No, the rest of them are at home.)
(No, the rest of them are at home.)4. You must be on welfare. (What's that?)
(What's that?)5. Every heard of birth control? (Ever heard of adoption?)
(Ever heard of adoption?)6. How do you afford it? (I believe in investing in others instead of spending on myself. How about you?)
(I believe in investing in others instead of spending on myself. How about you?)7. You know you can get snipped and get that fixed. (I wasn't aware it was broken.)
(I wasn't aware it was broken.)8. How many do you have altogether? (None of them are altogether. I haven't been altogether myself for over 20 years.)
(None of them are altogether. I haven't been altogether myself for over 20 years.)9. You must be, like, really good in bed. (My wife thinks so.)
(My wife thinks so.)10. Trying to compete with the Duggars? (What do you mean? I already have more girls than the Duggars. I think they're trying to compete with me.)
(What do you mean? I already have more girls than the Duggars. I think they're trying to compete with me.)11. You're not having any more are you? (Any more what? Rude comments?)
(Any more what? Rude comments?)12. Were any of them accidents? (No, they're all children.)
(No, they're all children.)13. It's because of people like you the world is in such a mess! (And what are you doing to try to fix that mess?)
(And what are you doing to try to fix that mess?)14. Christmas must be wonderful at your house. (We're Jewish.)
(We're Jewish.)15. Don't you worry about lack of privacy when you want to, uh, you know? (Evidently not.)
(Evidently not.)16. Why would anyone want that many kids? (The average family has 1.7 children and we wanted to be better than average. I'm curious, which one of yours is the .7?)
(The average family has 1.7 children and we wanted to be better than average. I'm curious, which one of yours is the .7?)17. You should name your next kid Beeno, for be-no-more. (Is that what happened to you?)
(Is that what happened to you?)18. You must be trying to make a baseball team. (We were actually thinking of our own bowling league.)
(We were actually thinking of our own bowling league.)19. Any twins? (No, they're just one big litter.)
(No, they're just one big litter.)20. I know God said to replenish the earth but I don't think He meant for you to do it all by yourself. (Now you tell me!)
(Now you tell me!)21. You must be really bad at birth control. (Actually, we're pretty good at the birth process by now.)
(Actually, we're pretty good at the birth process by now.)22. You must have your hands full. (Why thank you. My husband is rather large.)
(Why thank you. My husband is rather large.)23. How many mothers are there? (They each have one.)
(They each have one.)24. You must have a lot of sex. (Sorry. I was just thinking about what that says about you.)
(Sorry. I was just thinking about what that says about you.)25. How do you find time for yourself? (Why would I want to do that? I thought you said I spend all my time having sex.)
(Why would I want to do that? I thought you said I spend all my time having sex.)26. Don't you watch TV? (Maybe that's the reason you're not getting enough.)
(Maybe that's the reason you're not getting enough.)27. How do you make time for them all? (I don't waste any time butting into other people's business.)
(I don't waste any time butting into other people's business.)28. I could never do that. (At least we're agreed on something.)
(At least we're agreed on something.)29. How do you handle it? (About twice a week.)
(About twice a week.)30. Don't you think you're going a little overboard? (No, I find twice a week is just fine.)
(No, I find twice a week is just fine.)31. You know they make a pill for that. (No thanks. I prefer getting pregnant the old fashioned way.)
(No thanks. I prefer getting pregnant the old fashioned way.)32. Are you crazy? (Yes, but I only get violent when people make rude remarks about my children.)
(Yes, but I only get violent when people make rude remarks about my children.)33. These are all foster kids, right? (Oh no, the foster kids are in addition to these.)
(Oh no, the foster kids are in addition to these.)34. I feel sorry for you. (You're the one not having much sex.)
(You're the one not having much sex.)35. Are you a daycare or something? (Maybe you've heard of it. It's called a family.)
(Maybe you've heard of it. It's called a family.)36. So how many boys and girls? (They're all boys or girls.)
(They're all boys or girls.)37. How many are biological? (They're all biological. There's not a robot among them.)
(They're all biological. There's not a robot among them.)38. I think it's irresponsible to have that many kids. (Why are you so judgmental of my alternative lifestyle?)
(Why are you so judgmental of my alternative lifestyle?)39. There's always abortion. (I see you're pro-choice. Great, I assume you'll support my choice.)
(I see you're pro-choice. Great, I assume you'll support my choice.)40. Don't you think your quiver is full? (That all depends on how big your quiver is.)
(That all depends on how big your quiver is.)41. How do you feed them all? (We make them eat their cereal with a fork so we can pass the milk onto the next kid.)
(We make them eat their cereal with a fork so we can pass the milk onto the next kid.)***
